The Concept of Self Discovery
by heatqueen
Summary: One night after a hard case, Emily and JJ sat there wallowing, drawing on each other's strength for comfort, from which emerged a new realization.
1. Chapter 1

**The Concept of Self-Discovery**

**Summary: One night after a hard case, Emily and JJ sat there wallowing, drawing on each other's strength for comfort, from which emerged a new realization.**

**A/N: New CM fic, yay! This is an Em/JJ romance fic, but I would like to think it isn't going to be like most of them. This isn't simply fluff, but a more realistic story exploring the feelings of both the agents starting from the point where they realize they like each other. I felt that it was about time someone wrote an Em/JJ fic that was more in-depth than just the assumption that they were both attracted to women. I hope you enjoy it! Please R&R!**

**Chapter 1**

_(JJ'S POV)_

It had been a tough one, but they had done it. And now they had returned back home, the two female FBI agents crashing at Emily's on her sofa while the TV hummed in the background. Whatever the show was, the two women weren't following it. Their minds couldn't handle shallow, not when they were plagued by the deep and tragic memories of the latest case. So many lives. So much bloodshed. So many of them had been children.

Instead they took comfort in each other's closeness, the two of them wrapped in a semi-embrace, cans of beer lying on the table half-drank and abandoned as they silently comforted each other. The warmth they shared served as a reminder that they were not grieving alone. The agents were all family; always there for each other. True, JJ could have gone home to Will and it could have been his embrace she was lying in, but sometimes things happened that only her fellow agents could understand - this case being one of them. You had to see it with your own eyes to really and truly understand.

Vivid echoes flashed through JJ's mind as parts of the scene replayed themselves. The body of that girl, barely more than six years old, lying there with a knife in her chest, struggling for air as Emily had tried to save her. The FBI hadn't been fast enough that day. They might have caught the unsub but they had failed to save the little girl's life. That was one more family left devastated by the loss of their child; one more family ripped apart by tragedy because one vicious man somehow thought it was okay to stab small children.

Emily's eyes were stoic and emotionless, but buried deep down was probably hurt. JJ knew that in such instances Emily took it upon herself to carry the blame - knew that she'd instantly decided it was her fault for not being able to save the little girl. That alone caused JJ to feel an overwhelming sense of sadness as she knew the exact opposite was true. Emily had put 110% into trying to save that girl and there was nothing more that she could have done. She couldn't have possibly done a better job than how she had performed today. But that wouldn't be good enough for Emily; no, such words would only bounce off her solid shield of disbelief and self-judgement.

Still, she had to say something. Anything that would bring the life back into Emily's features and get rid of this cold, stoic front she'd put on.

"You did great."

Emily cast a glance at JJ, her expression unchanging. Slowly she shook her head. If she had done great, the girl would still be alive. She wasn't.

"I could have saved her." Her voice was raspy. JJ wondered if she was struggling to hold back tears. It would be just like Emily to not cry no matter how badly she needed to.

"You couldn't have done any more," JJ replied, the statement earning her daggers from Emily's eyes.

"We should have gotten there sooner."

"We got the unsub. He can't hurt anyone else. You should be proud of that."

"There's always more."

JJ winced at Emily's icy tone. Unfortunately her last statement was true. Where one unsub was safely locked away, there were always more. JJ knew this first hand, having to pick just a small fraction of the cases that landed on her desk. It tore her apart to think she was deciding people's fate according to which cases she took, and that so much crime was left to be gotten away with because the FBI simply didn't have the time or resources to deal with everything.

"There is. But with every unsub we catch it's one less than before."

***  
_(EMILY'S POV)_

Emily had to wonder at JJ for completely turning her statement around. Another person might have admitted defeat then, and wallowed that indeed there were always going to be criminals out there causing devastation and pain. JJ always managed to see the positive side of everything; always managed to make even the darkest and most desperate situations appear just that tiny bit better. Her words were a gentle reminder of the reason why they kept going when they knew their battle with crime was endless: because for all the families that were left devastated, there was a small percentage in which a life had been saved, and those precious lives were worth more than all the unnecessary death in the entire world.

Those words caused Emily to feel a rush of gratitude and affection towards the younger agent. She could have ended up wallowing with any of the other agents, but she was glad it was JJ. The others would have shared the same dark mindset as herself which would have led to an evening of doom and gloom. JJ, although troubled by the event - possibly even more so than the other agents because she was a mother - was a candle in the dark, bringing to light the tiny bit of good that had come out of all the badness, and because of this, Emily knew her evening wasn't going to be as bad as she'd thought it would be.

Then, upon a wild instinct, Emily suddenly had an urge to wrap her arms around JJ and hug her tightly but, not being the affectionate type, restrained herself. It hit her as to how hard this must be for JJ because the victim could so easily have been Henry, her beloved son. And yet JJ was here comforting her. Emily suddenly felt bad, and let out a huff.

"You should go be with Henry," she stated. She didn't really want JJ to leave but she couldn't be selfish. JJ would need her son more than ever right now.

"Don't worry; I saw him briefly before coming here." JJ's eyes lit up as she thought of her son, one of the few blessings in her life. Emily smiled but still felt bad that she was stopping JJ from seeing Henry.

Neither of them moved. Instead they sat exactly as they were, relaxed into each other in a comfortable silence. JJ's head rested in Emily's shoulder, and Emily's hand found its way to a strand of JJ's hair that had fallen forward, tucking it safely away behind her ear. JJ smiled up at her and Emily grinned back. JJ was probably the only member of the BAU that Emily had this kind of closeness with and it was something she treasured immensely.

***  
_(JJ'S POV)_

Emily's touch upon her skin caused JJ to smile. It was one of those gentle touches, not quite a caress, but a little and rare display of affection from the older agent. She felt a pang in her stomach as she knew how lucky she was to have such a great friend. Emily wasn't touchy-feely, but that little gesture was one mark of how close the two agents were. Emily was smiling back at her and JJ couldn't help but feel warm and happy. Though Emily had used no words, the pain of the case suddenly seemed a lot less. Drawing on this, JJ took it upon herself to snuggle closer to Emily, as though the physical closeness could offer her more of this comfort.

Her face was now level with Emily's jaw, her lips almost but not quite touching that jawbone below her ear. Emily did not pull away from the increased closeness, instead allowing it to happen as though two good friends _should _be this close. There was something natural about the way they moved into each other, the same way that a lock and key were akin to an open door. Another time the situation might have been deemed odd, but both of the agents were hurting; both were in desperate need of each other's strength, and soon they were so close that there was barely any air between them. And, like to opposite poles on a magnet, they suddenly found themselves sucked into a current from which neither could pull themselves free. Their lips met.

It was a single second of bliss followed by a wave of absolute horror. Before she knew it, JJ found herself pulling away from Emily and staring in shock and fright. Emily didn't look as though she was faring much better, her compartmentalization skills not quite able to keep her face neutral - she took a bemused stance, her eyebrows frowning and her eyes looking at JJ questioningly.

Neither of them knew what to say.

In a single second, JJ knew she had done something horrible. Something she could never do again because it was the ultimate betrayal to her family. She marvelled that she hadn't even thought about Will until her lips had met Emily's, and mentally slashed herself for her heartlessness. Her heart was pounding, and her mind was filled with a million different thoughts. How would she ever explain this to Will? How could she have ever done this to Henry?

Why had she wanted to kiss Emily in the first place?

The worst thing was, as she looked into the eyes of the older agent, she knew she wanted to do it again.

**A/N: Once again I remind you to please R&R! Ideas and suggestions are welcome as well. Thanks!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: A massive thanks to everyone who reviewed! Here is the next chapter, I hope you enjoy it!**

**Chapter 2**

_(JJ'S POV)_

JJ sat at her desk, hunched over some files. To the average passer-by they would see a busy woman immersed in her work, but any of the profilers would have noticed that JJ was acting distracted. Her eyes weren't reading the words on the pages but were glazed over as she frowned in thought. The fingers of her left hand softly drummed on the table absentmindedly as she tried to block out the last night's events and concentrate on choosing the next case.

She had left Emily's not a second after pulling away, using the excuse of needing to see Henry as a viable exit. The entire time, as she'd gathered her stuff together, the confusion in Emily's eyes had not left - nevertheless, she knew they had arrived at a silent agreement to never speak of it again, and to continue on as friends. JJ knew that Emily understood she had betrayed her family, and as such neither of them would pursue the situation further when it was pointless. They'd both been in pain and in need of comfort. This wasn't a love thing.

Despite this conclusion, JJ still had a nagging feeling it was the wrong one. They'd been in pain before; had turned to each other for comfort before. What had changed?

It was a question that had not left her mind for the entire drive home, one that she'd struggled to push to the back of her mind as she'd finally arrived at her house. It was late, but of course Will had been awake to welcome her back, like usual. For the first time, JJ couldn't stand the love in his eyes as he embraced her in a hug and kissed her, when she knew full well that she had committed the worst kind of sin any wife could commit. This gentle, caring, honest man had been there for her and loved her more than anyone else in the world, and she had betrayed him by being unfaithful.

She'd pulled away quickly, stating that she was tired from work and needed to go to bed. She'd made her way to sleeping Henry's room to give him a kiss, and as she gazed down at him, she felt a mixture of overwhelming love and regret as she knew that her actions affected him too. She knew that she could have potentially ripped her entire family apart, a family that she had worked so hard to build and loved and treasured more than anything else in the world, all because of one tiny moment of weakness. Because Emily _was _her weakness.

JJ winced, then shook her head. There was no way that last bit was true.

Sighing, she picked up a file from the table. She hadn't been that thorough in combing through them to pick the most suitable one, her clouded mind unable to focus properly, but she supposed it didn't really matter. All the cases were bad enough. Entering the bullpen she composed herself into a neutral stance.

"New case," she said.

***  
_(EMILY'S POV)_

Coffee is what she needed. She was on her third by the time JJ arrived to brief them for the next case, the caffeine barely keeping her awake after her restless night last night.

Emily felt terrible. Confused. Vulnerable - though she wouldn't admit it even to herself. She had gone from JJ's best friend to her destroyer. She'd known perfectly well that JJ had an idealistic family, that Will and Henry were two of JJ's greatest treasures, but she'd kissed her anyway.

From the instant their lips had met Emily had known it was over. That the only thing she could do now was compartmentalize it and move on with her life. That such a situation was forbidden to happen again - not that she'd been planning on it happening again. She and JJ would never mention it again. It would be as if it had never happened.

But Emily couldn't stop herself from wondering. _Why _had it happened?

More importantly, why did she feel as though she didn't want to forget?

She didn't dare look up at the media liasion as she entered in her usual graceful manner and greeted the team. She knew that if she did, she wouldn't be able to mask herself from the other agents. Much as she tried, it was too big to simply pack away into boxes. Her eyes stared at the file in front of her, the nasty images of the crimes in her direct sight, but for some reason the horror of the crimes didn't manage to detract her thoughts away from JJ.

_Focus, Prentiss, _she thought. _It means nothing. Move on._

So spoke her conscious mind. Deep inside, she found her subconscious arguing that it didn't mean nothing; that it wouldn't be so easy to move on. That despite the reality of the situation, Emily would give anything for it to happen again.

_But I don't like her like that._

It was too late for those thoughts. The seed had already been planted the night before, and now it was growing into a grim realization that nagged the back of her mind. She was missing something and couldn't place it. It wasn't until later, when they left for the airport, when Emily stood up and made to exit and her hand accidentally brushed that of the media liasion, that she figured out what the missing thing was.

It was like someone had turned on a bright light in a pitch black room: A blinding shock to the system; something that Emily had never thought twice about, but which had suddenly hit her hard like a jet of freezing cold water. And when it hit her, she found herself recoiling in fear and denial. It couldn't be true; not for her of all people, and not because of JJ of all people.

Emily Prentiss wasn't attracted to women.

No, she decided once she recovered from the shock. It wasn't true; there was just no way. What had happened with JJ had been a one-time thing, a thing she had already rationalized as being the product of two close friends in pain. It was nothing more and never would be.

***  
_(JJ'S POV)_

They had arrived in Seattle, and JJ and Emily were set the task of speaking to the families of the victims. There were three so far - and JJ didn't hesitate to note the words 'so far' as an implication that there could be more. The victims were teenage females from Christian families. But this isn't what JJ was thinking about as they approached the first house.

Trying to act like Emily's co-worker was proving difficult when she thought back to the night before. The worst part was knowing that she knew exactly where she ought to stand, which contradicted the feeling that she didn't know where she stood at all - both with Emily, and with Will. Her mind insisted what her heart didn't care to admit - that Emily was her friend, and that she had a happy life with Will and Henry.

Now she found herself questioning that happiness as she realized the times she favoured most were always the times where it was just her and Emily.

"Amber Braxton?" said JJ as they greeted the first victim's mother. The woman nodded with a sad and puzzled look on her face. "I am SSA Jareau from the FBI and this is SSA Prentiss. We are very sorry for your loss, but we need to speak to you about your daughter, Valerie."

JJ knew that she should have been able to bear the formality of the introduction, because that was what Emily always had been, and what she always would be.

***  
_(EMILY'S POV)_

Emily's arrival at the hotel room in Seattle came as something of a relief after a long, hard day's work. Although it hadn't been too physically draining, the emotions associated with speaking to the victims' families always hit her hard - more so than she cared to admit to the others.

What didn't help was the controversy surrounding these cases. She knew there were many factors that would be subject for debate, and many judgemental people to debate about them - sadly including her own team. Including herself. She knew it wasn't her place to form an opinion on these families but she couldn't help but ponder the parts of their lifestyle which hit close to home.

All of the families were practising Christians, same as Emily's family had been; same as she herself had been until she'd turned fifteen years old and her life had been changed by her pregnancy and abortion. Since that event, Emily was no longer certain about her religious beliefs. She'd spent a long time questioning whether God would have been disappointed with her making such a decision. However, her more reasonable side stated that God would have understood that she wasn't ready to consider the other option - the one which consisted of actually having the child.

This waver in her faith was one thing amongst many which had only served to deepen the rift between herself and her mother. Elizabeth Prentiss was a weekly Church-goer and bible-reader. She followed the Ten Commandments and repented for her sins. She didn't believe in sex before marriage, never mind pregnancy before marriage.

Mother-daughter rifts were the other things the families had in common. The daughters presented and eerie reminder of how Emily herself had been all those years ago - defiant, slightly rebellious, and determined to make her own way without the help of her parents. While the mothers imposed their faith upon their daughters, the daughters were trying anything to break free of the constraints of religion and live life the way the wanted to. Thus there had been tension between mother and daughter - one which the unsub seemed to have an issue with.

The third and final thing that the victims had in common was what Emily's mind focused on the most because it brought her attention back to what had happened with JJ last night. All of the victims were lesbians, and all were in a relationship with another girl, so as if Emily hadn't already put enough effort into forgetting the night before, now she had a case about the very thing she didn't want to consider: Her relationship with JJ.

The mothers of the victims had all admitted to not seeing eye to eye with their daughters. The first one, Amber Braxton, had stated that she was torn because she loved her daughter Valerie, but didn't see homosexuality as natural and hoped that one day Valerie would come to her senses. The second mother, Ingrid Davis, hadn't even known about Sarah's sexuality, let alone relationship, and had broken down upon hearing about it. The third, Polly Wings, had quoted a passage from _Leviticus, _and how homosexuality was just plain wrong.

This is why FBI agents were supposed to remain objective - because if they allowed themselves to become emotionally involved, Emily knew there would have been three more dead bodies as far as those mothers were concerned. She wasn't sure why she was so riled up about it - or maybe she was sure but wouldn't admit the reason to herself. But rather than trying to figure it out, she merely told herself that it was none of her business and proceeded to put it at the back of her mind and get ready for bed.

It was a double bed like usual, but tonight it felt too big; too spacious, even though it was exactly the same size as her own bed at home. For once she longed for something smaller, something that would take away the feeling of the need to fill up all the extra space. As she closed her eyes and allowed her thoughts to drift into a waking dream, she imagined that there might be someone there with her - the love of her life that she hadn't found yet, holding her and stroking her hair with those slim, pale hands, and kissing her with those rosy lips; lying next to her as she made love to that smooth skin and deliciously beautiful body.

She felt a wave of contentment, followed by a nagging sensation in the back of her mind as the walls of denial crept back in. Her subconscious was slowly being invaded by her conscious mind as they battled for dominance - her subconscious stating that this was what Emily really wanted; her conscious mind refusing to give into the reality. For a moment the denial seemed to dominate, but her innermost feelings were so strong that the fortress she'd constructed around her mind was beginning to burst at the seams, and finally it became so much that those feelings would no longer contain themselves - the dam broke, and everything came flooding out at once.

Her eyes snapped open and she found herself gasping in realization and confusion.

_It cannot be that I'm in love with JJ._

**A/N: Please R&R! Your review make my day. Any ideas/suggestions are also welcome.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Massive thanks to everyone who reviewed! Your comments are all deeply appreciated. Here's the next chapter, I hope you enjoy it.**

**Chapter 3**

_(EMILY'S POV)_

All agents had their share of cases that they found hard to deal with. This one was Emily's. While she prided herself in compartmentalization, she wondered if it was obvious to the other agents that she was struggling.

The nature of the cases, combined with her own personal issues, were like a tumble dryer in her head. Everything was one massive whirl. Her sudden revelation of her feelings towards JJ had completely flipped her upside down and she was now in the scary questioning phase, the phase where she was now uncertain of pretty much every aspect of herself.

Emily had always struggled with self-identity. Trying to dissociate herself from her blood heritage had left her confused as to who she really was as a person. When she'd joined the FBI and found a family within her team, she'd thought she'd finally found her niche, a place where she could be herself without inhibitions. The onset of her feelings towards JJ now caused her to wonder if she'd ever really been true to herself.

Seeing the victims' mothers mouthing off their daughters because they were lesbians served to remind Emily that if her own mother ever found out how she felt about JJ, her response would be exactly the same. Not only was Elizabeth Prentiss religious, but she was also a politician. Hence her entire life had been about public image, something to which having a lesbian daughter didn't do any favours.

Her mother was just one of Emily's worries - in fact it would, for a while, remain in the shadow a much more immediate crisis. Before she could even begin to consider her relatives, Emily firstly had to think about herself and how she felt about this. She had never been attracted to a woman before; had never even considered being attracted to a woman before.

She'd worked plenty of cases which involved gays and had never had a problem with it. She didn't know heaps about homosexuality but had always thought they had the same right to happiness as anyone else. However, when she tried to apply this to herself, she found herself feeling scared. She knew that if she was homosexual, it would change her life forever. She might believe in equality but she was only one person, and there were thousands that unfortunately didn't share her belief. She would be subject to cruelty and torment for the rest of her life, possibly even from the people she considered close friends.

Perhaps this is why she and JJ both knew nothing would ever come of the other night; because it was so much easier to live in denial than face a reality that would change them in God knows what way.

There was a new victim, Meredith Angell, to whose mother, Rebecca, she had just finished speaking. Rebecca had been much like the other mothers, which in Emily's opinion constituted ignorant, inhibited and half-hearted. Needless to say, by the time she left Rebecca Angell's home, she was more than pissed off and incredibly frustrated, and when she stormed into the police station and found JJ, she didn't stop to think about the awkwardness between them, instead choosing to vent out her anger on the only person available.

"All those mothers had to do was love their daughters! I mean it's really not so much to ask is it? Those poor girls just want to live their lives, just want to be accepted by their families, but no. Because they're gay, because they're different, because they want to be free and not constrained by stupid things like religion, apparently that makes them not good enough. I mean, even when they're _killed _it's not enough to make them open their eyes and check in with reality!"

Emily too had been different. She was talking about herself, really. If she died today what would her mother think? That she had had such a happy life and didn't deserve to go? Or that it was a shame she hadn't lived long enough to come to her senses and see things from the Ambassador's point of view?

It was scary to think that such a possibility of her mother thinking that even existed.

***  
_(JJ'S POV)_

JJ had never known a more controlled woman than Emily, so to see Emily lose that control to the extent where she didn't even bother to compartmentalize her rage caused JJ's stomach to churn. Emily was extremely private but JJ knew just enough about her past to understand how frustrating this case must be for her. It was all about mother-daughter relationships, and Emily had never had the greatest relationship with her mother.

However, JJ knew this was not the only reason for her frustration. In fact, JJ herself was the other reason, and this made her feel extremely guilty. It was her fault for leading Emily on; for breaking an unspoken boundary in their friendship by kissing her, and she could see how that single gesture had thrown the older woman into turmoil: unnecessary turmoil at that, seeing as nothing was ever going to come of it.

Emily flopped into a chair, her rant apparently over, and fell into a more quiet, seething kind of rage. Her arms folded across her chest, she took to staring angrily out of the window, apparently not expecting JJ to respond. The sight of her only served to reinforce the guilt JJ was already feeling and she quickly averted her eyes.

As if she wasn't feeling bad enough already, her phone blipped. Flipping it open she saw it was a text from Will:_I miss you and love you. Henry sends his love. X_

The words caused JJ's heart to break and it took all of her strength not to put her head in her hands and moan. Instead she forced herself to type a stiff reply, each key feeling weightier and more difficult to press despite there being nothing physically demanding about writing a text.

_I love you too. Give Henry a kiss from me._

She wasn't quite able to type a 'x' at the end.

"Who was that?" Emily asked in a quieter tone.

"Will checking up on me."

"Oh, that's nice of him," Emily replied.

If their mouths were speaking one conversation, their expressions were having an altogether different dialogue. Despite Emily's words, she wasn't quite able to hide that pained expression which stated that she wasn't happy with Will's involvement with JJ's life. JJ's eyes responded apologetically, confirming that this was her life and that there was no room for anything to change. However, there was also a hint of regret which Emily didn't fail to pick up on. Emily's features bore a reluctant acceptance, in that she knew she couldn't do anything about the situation, but silently asked JJ if her life with Will was the life she really wanted. JJ gave the tiniest nod as she once again denied the possibility of change.

All of this took place within the space of a second. Then they broke eye contact and resumed their work.

**A/N: Please R&R like usual! Ideas/suggestions are also welcome. Thanks!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed! Someone asked me if I was going to incorporate a storyline in which Emily would get wrapped up in the case and something would happen to her. My answer is probably not. This is because I don't think Emily exactly fits the victimology - she is the wrong age, and also too closeted (The victims were already out the closet and in established relationships). Also, people tend to go that way so much that I think the storyline is a little overused.**

**Having said that, here's the next chapter!**

**Chapter 4**

_(EMILY'S POV)_

"So what is our profile?" asked Hotch.

Emily's eyes scanned the folder in front of her, wide in concentration as she considered the clues they had from the cases. The unsub's MO was strangulation but there was one other thing which was also consistent. All of the girls had the sign of the cross sliced into their chest, slightly to one side where their heart was.

"The cross is a sign of religion, so maybe he's Christian with a thing against lesbians," said Reid.

"No," Emily interrupted.

"Emily?"

"I think the unsub is a woman."

"What makes you say that?" Hotch asked, frowning.

"This isn't a homophobe; it's someone lashing out against Christians. By killing the girls, the unsub makes sure their unaccepting families are wracked with grief and guilt. By slicing them with the Cross, she makes it known that it's Christianity that's to blame for the deaths of the girls."

"Okay. But why girls in relationships? Why not single lesbians?"

"Maybe she identifies with the girlfriends," Emily speculated. "Maybe she lost someone at the hands of Christianity and wants to make the girlfriends grieve just like her."

"So," Hotch summarized. "A lesbian killing other lesbians to get back at their Christian families and hurt their girlfriends."

There was something about the unsub with which Emily could identify. While she knew that killing was in all ways unacceptable, she found herself thinking it odd that she understood why the unsub would do it. It came back to the same thing about mother-daughter relationships, only this time the parent's non-acceptance of her child had led to death. The unsub, being this person's lover, was grieving and angry with the mother and saw her as the reason why the daughter died.

All this because a young girl just wanted to be herself and find herself. Emily, too, was trying to find herself.

Things like deaths on behalf of not being accepted by society were tragically common and accounted for a lot of fear with regard to finding and being oneself. It was this fear that stopped Emily right now. It was so strong that she'd even denied the fear - at least until last night when it had suddenly burst forward. Now that she'd finally started to acknowledge her true self, she was dead in the centre of a turmoil largely composed of this fear, a fear which she wanted to get rid of but was unable to put away. So she did the only other thing she could do and withdrew into herself, keeping the fear at bay for as long as she could while trying to figure out her feelings alone.

She feared the same thing that everyone fears when they go through this stage. She feared the judgement and rejection she knew she was bound to receive. She feared the crumbling of her friendships and relations as people no longer saw her as just 'Emily' but 'Emily that agent who's attracted to women'. She feared the stereotypes and ignorant people, and people who would try and associate her with a certain 'lifestyle' and insist that she had to live and act a certain way. She'd had enough of that from her political family as it was. She feared that her friendships with other females would become awkward and strained as they could no longer look at her without wondering if she was going to hit on them. She especially feared for her friendship with JJ which had already become strained as it was.

It was so much easier to keep it to herself than to face the possibility of all her fears coming true.

Hotch was on the phone to Garcia.

"Garcia, I need you to search for any cases involving the death of a homosexual female from a Christian family. The unsub would have been the girlfriend of a victim who died because of religion. The victim's mother would be especially religious and they would have had a tense relationship."

So much hurt. So much pain. All because a young girl was different.

Which is why Emily couldn't accept the possibility that she might be exactly the same way.

***  
_(JJ'S POV)_

JJ sighed at the piece of paper in front of her, the paper on which was written the statement she was to release to the media. The nature of the case had immediately been picked up on by the press, who were very happy to indulge in such a controversial matter, but unfortunately the timing of this case with the incident with Emily meant that JJ was distracted. The details of the case were causing her to question herself with regard to Emily, and with such thoughts tumbling around in her mind it was hard to remain focused on being objective towards catching the killer.

Everything reminded her that that night, when her lips had sealed themselves against Emily's, she'd wanted the incident to happen. For some reason she'd given into the idea that she could be that intimate with Emily. She didn't understand why, since it's not as if she'd ever thought about leaving Will to pursue her, and now she regretted the incident with all her heart because it had opened her up to a far too scary possibility to dare to consider. It was the possibility that she might be more in love with Emily than she'd ever been with Will.

The possibility made her want to cry. It would mean breaking Will's heart and removing Henry from a comfortable life with both of his parents, and all of this would be her fault - her stupid fault for kissing Emily; her fault for falling in love with her.

Then she quickly caught herself. _I'm not in love with Emily, _she reminded herself.

With that thought, she picked up the piece of paper and left the room, slamming the door behind her just a little harder than intended.

**A/N: Sorry the chapter was a little on the short side. I'll try to make the next one longer. I wasn't ecstatic with how this chapter turned out, but please R&R and leave any ideas/suggestions etc. Thanks!**

**A question for you lot: From everyone's reviews, I understand that I'm doing well with the emotional side and characterization, but what about the case itself? Is there anything I can do to improve on this, since I don't feel that I'm as good at the cases as the other stuff.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed, and especially to G-DiP who gave me ideas for the case. They are much appreciated. Here's the next chapter. Please R&R!**

**Chapter 5**

"Garcia, what have you got?" said Hotch, putting his phone on loudspeaker.

"Well my lovely and hunky bossman, my babies have been doing some digging for me and I have got a case for you," Garcia replied. "Three months ago, one sixteen year old lesbian, Carrie Mallows, dead at the hands of Christians. Only, get this - she wasn't murdered."

"What?"

"It seems to me, my gorgeous and sexy profilers, that poor Miss Mallows here committed suicide, and she was survived by a Sonea Wilson who apparently hasn't been coping well. I did some digging on her background and found out that she has since checked into two mental health clinics and been diagnosed with depression."

"What of Carrie? Was her suicide explained?" asked Emily.

"A note was found written by Carrie before she died. Carrie said she could no longer stand the battle between her faith and her sexuality, and that it was too hard to keep going while her family rejected her simply for being herself. Oh, poor Carrie!" Garcia exclaimed dramatically.

Emily shifted uncomfortably in her seat and attempted to assume a neutral expression. There was no use in letting this get to her, not when they had a murderer on their hands. However, her head was starting to swirl as not only did she identify with the unsub, but she could also identify with the victims. She had always adopted a strong belief in the freedom of self-expression, what with the constant struggle with her family and her hate for political motivation, so to know that people were committing suicide because their attempt at liberation had led to disastrous consequences was devastating. It took all her might not to stand and leave the room there and then.

"How are we so sure the unsub's a woman?" asked Reid speculatively. "I mean, aside from being the grieving girlfriend and all that, there isn't really anything -"

"Yes there is," Emily interrupted.

It was so obvious in her opinion, and she felt slightly frustrated towards the other profilers for not seeing it. Perhaps because she related so well to the case she had become extra-observant because all the evidence was in the photos of the young girls if only the others had looked properly. Emily quickly compartmentalized her annoyance as the other profilers silenced and looked at her for an explanation.

"They were all positioned in a certain way: curled up like they were sleeping. The unsub feels compassionate towards the victims and is grieving for them, the same way she's grieving for her girlfriend. It isn't really the victims she's trying to hurt. It's the families and girlfriends she's after. Also, the autopsy reports of the girls showed no sign of rape meaning there's no sexual gratification, and the unsub is not trying to show them that homosexuality is wrong, or what the 'right' way is. It is most definitely a woman, and our most likely suspect is Sonea Wilson. She fits the profile perfectly."

The team stared at her slightly agape at the passion in her voice. As Emily fell silent, she felt a little overwhelmed as she realized how deeply she cared about the case, and wondered if she'd been a little reckless in allowing this to show. She held her gaze towards the other profilers, retaining her stoic appearance despite the fact that she wanted to look away, because she knew that if she looked away they would profile her as uncomfortable with what had just happened.

Thankfully Hotch was quick to fill in the awkward silence.

"Reid, I want you to work on a geographical profile. See if there are any places the victims have in common, or places that might be particular to Sonea and/or Carrie. Rossi and Morgan, go speak to Carrie's family and to Sonea and her family and see what you can get from them, especially with regard to Sonea. We need something solid that ties her to the other victims. Prentiss…" Hotch paused for a second. Emily felt her stomach squirm. "My office. I need to talk to you."

Emily silently cursed, knowing what was coming. It was going to be another one of those "Are you alright" moments where he asked if she wanted to be removed from the case, she insisted "No" and he reminded her that if she ever need to talk he was there.

Hotch closed the door behind them.

"Don't start," Emily interrupted irritably before he'd even begun. "Yes I am perfectly aware that this is like me and my godforsaken mother. I'm good. I can handle it. Okay?"

Hotch sighed and shook his head, motioning for her to sit down.

"Actually I wasn't going to ask you about that, but since you basically just defended yourself having expected such a question it is a pretty clear indication to me that something's up," he said.

Emily held back a scowl, secretly hating his profiling skills. A useful tool though it was, it meant there was pretty much no privacy, and while Emily was usually one of the toughest people to profile, she knew that this time she had slipped up, and Hotch hadn't failed to notice.

Now that he had asked she was certain there was no way she was telling him the truth: that she wasn't fine; that in fact she was struggling so hard that she didn't know how she had managed to get through the day without breaking down. Even as she looked into his eyes and saw only concern and kindness she wasn't about to admit to her confusion and fear of what she might be, knowing that that concern could quickly turn to judgement and even hatred. So she lied, feeling guilty as she did so, but in this case a tiny bit of guilt was better than such a massive admission.

"It's just really similar to the situation with my mother," she said. It would be ridiculous to pretend she was completely okay but a toned-down version of events would suffice. "I'll be okay really. I just can't wait for this case to be over."

"Okay. If you're sure," Hotch responded.

"So what were you going to ask me originally?"

Hotch smiled. "I was going to ask you to go back over the victims' profiles and see if we've missed anything else since you seem really on the ball today."

"Sure," Emily replied. "And thanks."

She knew she'd gotten lucky this time and vowed to be more careful in the future.

***  
_(JJ'S POV)_

That night JJ's phone rang. It was Will. Feeling her stomach clench with dread she slowly moved to pick it up, knowing it would do her no favours to ignore it. Will would worry more if she didn't pick up, and that would only serve to make her feel even worse. As she placed the receiver against her ear she perched stiffly on the side of her double bed as she greeted him.

"Hello," she said tiredly. It was ten at night but that was far from the reason why she was tired. As he greeted her in return JJ could feel her hands trembling and her heart aching as it struggled with her morality. Like usual poor Will was simply being his caring self, yet all JJ wanted to do was hang up and chuck the phone against the wall. Anything to not have to hear that honest voice on the other end which she was deceiving.

"JJ. How are you? How's the case?"

The case was horrible and disturbing like all the other ones; however, it was made even more horrible as it forced her into a constant wrestle with her emotions. It wasn't simply horrible, it was haunting. It was a continuous reminder of what a terrible thing she'd done and all the unwanted emotions she was experiencing as a result. It spelled out exactly the thing her heart was trying to tell her she was, but her head denied so vehemently because if it prevailed it would change her life forever.

"It's going okay. We've had a breakthrough."

Half of the statement was true anyway. Emily had been cause for a major break in the case when she'd realized the unsub was a woman. But the fact of the case being 'okay' was an outright lie: in fact, it was worse than any other case she'd suffered through, including the one with the dog incident. This was tearing her to pieces in more ways than a physical wound could. She was torn and confused, desperate yet unwilling, in love and in pain, filled with contradictory emotions and didn't have the faintest idea what to do about it.

"How's Henry?" she asked. At least if he was the one talking she wouldn't have to lie through her teeth. But as he spoke about Henry, the amount of love in his voice began to overwhelm her and she felt tears begin to slip down her cheeks. She squeezed her eyes shut tightly, trying not to make a sound, trying not to let him know that she was crying, but she couldn't stop a single sob from escaping and this caused Will to pause in his monologue.

"JJ? Are you okay? What's the matter?"

She took a deep, shuddering breath. How could she ever tell him? Making a last ditch attempt to compose herself she wiped the tears away from her face and swallowed.

"I'm fine," she replied. "It's just been a long day."

"You should go to sleep. Get some rest."

His understanding tone was sickening and she felt the tears begin to slip once again. Poor Will had no idea and was just going about being his usual, caring self even from miles away. And JJ simply didn't have it in her to do the same for him.

"Give my love to Henry," she replied.

"I will. I love you, JJ."

There were those three words again, she thought unhappily. Three words which she couldn't bear to reciprocate because she knew it would be a lie.

"Goodnight," she barely whispered before hanging up the phone.

**A/N: Please R&R like usual!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

**A/N: Sorry I took an absolute year to update. I sort of forgot about this story, but then I found it again and was like, 'I really should update this!' I promise I will never take so long to update it again, pleeease forgive me! And review as well!**

**Disclaimer: In this chapter Reid talks about bible translations. The words were directly taken from the website h t t p : / / translation journal . net / journal / /18bible .htm – as such, those words are not my own.**

_(Emily's POV)_

They caught Sonea Wilson the next day. It was one of those heart wrenching situations where you ended up feeling bad for the killer because their reason for killing was completely and utterly understandable. Sonea had been so devastated by the loss of her girlfriend that her grief had led to a mental breakdown. Really, it was those ignorant parents' fault that she had turned out the way she was.

Emily's mother, too, would be ignorant. The sad thing was that Emily completely expected it. That's why she couldn't tell her now; because any hope she had of establishing an acceptable mother-daughter relationship would instantly be washed down the drain if Emily came clean about her feelings.

All she wanted to do on the flight home was sleep, but at the same time she couldn't bring herself to. She knew that if she closed her eyes, her mind would be filled with thoughts of JJ, thoughts which would cause her to not be able to look the blonde profiler in the eye because they were so intimate. Instead, she pretended to be reading a book, though she hadn't turned a page in over twenty minutes.

JJ was sat at the other end of the plane, which came to Emily's relief. She wasn't sure if she would be able to handle sitting directly next to her without having the uncontrollable urge to lean over and kiss her. It was bad enough that the blonde woman was invading her dreams, without trying to act them out in real life.

Reid, on the other hand, was watching her closely. Socially awkward though he was, he was also a very observant man, and didn't fail to notice Emily's slightly hunched over position and the lack of page turns in her book.

"A penny for your thoughts?" he asked her, putting down the case file he'd been reading.

Emily shrugged. She had a lot of thoughts at the moment, but didn't feel that Reid would understand the complexities of a subject like love. Though Reid was only looking out for her, in the end he was only young and had never had anything close to the kind of experience Emily was going through. He was still slightly naive and wouldn't be able to comprehend why Emily was thinking and acting the way she did.

"Just thinking about those poor girls," she offered.

"This one hit you hard," he stated.

She shrugged again. Poor Reid had no idea. In that way he was lucky. He still had that bit of innocence about him. Emily had long since lost her innocence, having been forced to grow up fast as a little girl and comprehend tough concepts that were usually only understood by adults.

One concept she'd learned quickly was that the world was a cruel place and, as such, she had to fend for herself. As a result she was fiercely independent and resilient. But even Emily had her limits, and this case had really pushed them. She wondered that she'd managed not to break down during the case as she drew parallel after parallel between the victims and herself.

"Do you think the Bible has a point?" she asked. "Do you think God really thinks that homosexuality is wrong?"

"Actually I think there are many problems in bible translations. One basic problem inherent in Bible translation is that we do not have the original manuscript of the Bible, but copies of copies of copies... and this causes many problems because translators do not know which of all these copies is correct and which is not, since none of them are identical. The differences are not very significant in the Old Testament, but they are in the New Testament. According to research, 'about 3 per cent of the Bible's texts varies across all the manuscripts. Nowadays, we have about 1,500 complete or partial manuscripts of the New Testament.'"

"So you're saying that that passage in Leviticus 18:22 doesn't actually say what it's supposed to?" Emily responded.

"Leviticus 18:22 – 'Homosexuality is absolutely forbidden, for it is an enormous sin.' What most people don't realize is that the word 'homosexual' is a 19th-century word, and as such, it's impossible for any Hebrew word to mean that. Therefore when a translator uses the word 'homosexual' we can assume he's inserting his own prejudices into the translation."

"Then it might not be condemning homosexuality at all?"

"Exactly."

"That's..." She trailed off. Something inside of her was feeling mildly hopeful. Just like she'd come to understand that God did not hate her for having an abortion, she was now coming to realize that He wouldn't hate her for loving another woman either. Not that those parents had seen it like that. They'd used religion to blame their daughters for being the way they were, rather than embracing them, and the result was that those girls had ended up dead. The thought made her feel sick.

And maybe God might not hate her for loving a woman, but He sure as hell would have a field day if she interfered with a woman who was already in a relationship. In the end it didn't matter that she loved JJ because JJ was already with Will: a fact that she hated to remind herself of.

Being with Will hadn't stopped JJ from kissing her.

Was JJ really as happy in her relationship as she said she was?

_(JJ's POV)_

From the other side of the plane, JJ couldn't help but overhear Emily and Reid's conversation; couldn't help but feel her heart twist as she thought about what they were saying. According to Reid, the translation of the Leviticus passage was inaccurate, but that wasn't what really got to JJ. The thing that bugged her was that she was having these feelings _when she was already married. _If homosexuality wasn't a sin, betrayal to her family most certainly was.

And her feelings towards Emily were getting harder and harder to ignore.

As time passed, JJ began to dread landing. Landing would mean having to get off the plane and go home to Will, then lie to his face that she was alright as she gave Henry a goodnight kiss and felt stabs of guilt that she simply wasn't able to control herself. Poor Will had been nothing but there for her and yet here she was not appreciating him enough. She felt sick for all the bad character inside her that was doing this to her unsuspecting husband.

She closed her eyes and feigned sleep, though in reality she actually was trying to fall asleep; anything to block out the voices that debated God's views on homosexuality. But the deep tone of Emily's voice danced through her ears like velvet, the sounds rocking her into a pleasant lullaby, and she found that she was forced to listen in a bittersweet combination of pure bliss and utter agony. As her mind drifted and the conscious walls of her mind began to slip, deep down her soul reminded her that Will's voice never succeeded to set her on fire in such a way; no, his voice was ordinary, just like anyone else's. Emily's on the other hand...

**A/N: I hope you enjoyed it, and sorry for taking such a ridiculously long time to update. I'll try and be faster, promise! Please review!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

**A/N: Thank you SOOO much for all the wonderful reviews, they made me feel very happy and inspired! Because I took such a long time with the last chapter, I thought I would to try to make up for it by being really fast about this one, especially after all your wonderful, positive reviews (They are very motivating). Here's the next chapter for you all. Please review!**

_(Emily's POV)_

The direction Emily found herself driving in was quite different from her usual route home. She wasn't sure why, but after her conversation with Reid, something had stirred inside her, and now she just knew that she _had_ to find out for certain. Going to a gay bar was the next best thing to experimenting on the married woman she had feelings for. A knot twisted in her stomach as her blood was pumped with adrenaline. She'd never put herself out there like this before. Heck, before JJ she'd never even had thoughts about other women let alone feelings, and had most certainly never kissed a woman.

The gay bar was busy and Emily had to fight her way through crowds of people in order to get to the bar, where she was quick to order three tequila shots – anything to calm her nerves. She sat on a stool, watching the people around her, wondering if anything they did would be able to give her a clue about herself. There were gay couples everywhere, some dancing, some holding hands, some kissing. She watched as a lesbian couple made out in the middle of the dance floor and suddenly had a flash in her mind. That couple could easily be herself and JJ.

She quickly banished the thought. It would do no good fantasizing over a taken woman.

Someone tapped her on the shoulder. Turning around, she saw a blonde woman who was asking her to dance. She didn't look remotely as beautiful as JJ, in Emily's opinion, but she surprised herself when she found herself saying yes to the woman's offer.

"Hi, I'm Kelly," the woman introduced herself.

"Emily," Emily replied.

The woman really was being rather forward. She was dancing incredibly close, moving her hips right up against Emily's body. Emily, on the other hand, made uncertain movements and wasn't sure about letting the woman invading her personal space like that. However, she knew she had to try if she wanted to find out anything about herself, so she allowed Kelly to take the lead. Kelly happily did so, and leaned in, cupping Emily's chin in her hand and kissing her softly.

There was something about the way Kelly kissed that Emily hadn't felt no matter how many times she'd been picked up at bars by men. Some guys, she thought, were so aggressive in the way they kissed, it's like they thought her face was a pizza they could eat. Kelly, on the other hand, was soft and tender, gently playing with her lips and teasing her, making her want to move in for more.

It wasn't the same kind of electricity that she'd felt with JJ, but if she closed her eyes and imagined that Kelly and JJ were the same woman, it wasn't hard to admit that kissing this woman felt very good indeed.

_(JJ's POV)_

Sitting in her SUV, she stared at her trembling hand holding the key that would start the engine. The thought of going home made her feel sick. The rest of the team had already set off and she was the only one left in the car park, making a decision as to what to do next.

On impulse, she twisted the key and began to drive, but went the opposite way to home. Perhaps if she could prove to herself that she wasn't attracted to women, that it was just a curiosity she needed to get out of her system, she would be able to return home and finally let things return to normal. With this twisted logic in mind, she made her way towards a gay bar, a determined crease in her forehead as she drove.

Once she arrived she realized she didn't really know what she was doing. Who went to a gay bar in a quest to prove they were straight? Still, she let go of the thought and went to the bar to order a drink.

There were so many couples there, dancing and having a good time. Staring around, she marvelled that these people had been completely able to let go of themselves and act as free spirits for the night, something which JJ had never been able to do, what with her job and a family to look after. She watched as a blonde woman started kissing another woman. It looked so natural that JJ wondered how anyone could think of it as a bad thing.

The brunette she was kissing...she looked just like Emily. Tall, attractive, dark brown hair.

Then her stomach did a back flip as she made a realization.

The brunette was Emily, and somehow they had ended up at the same gay bar.

_(Emily's POV)_

"You're just coming out, aren't you?" said Kelly, breathlessly.

"Well...I'm not really – I mean, I guess I'm just curious," Emily stammered in response.

The phrase 'coming out' had done something to Emily. When it was put like that, she knew that if she decided she was that way, eventually she would have to admit it to her friends and family, and not everyone was as open-minded as she was. She knew that if she came out gay, she would be sure to lose some people who were closest to her because they wouldn't be able to accept her the way she was. Not that she wasn't used to it, for she'd had that kind of rift with her mother her entire life, but she would be devastated if any of the team decided they couldn't associate themselves with her anymore because of what she was.

"How can you tell?" Emily asked.

"You're nervous," said Kelly. "You've never done this kind of thing with a woman. You've never even thought about it until recently. Who is it?"

_That Kelly woman ought to be a profiler,_ Emily thought, _for she is sure as hell observant._

"There isn't – I – well, it doesn't matter, she's married."

"That's too bad. Can I buy you a drink?"

Emily nodded and allowed Kelly to lead her back towards the bar. With the huge amount of people occupying such a small space, she found herself squashed up next to some other chick, who was also trying to get the bartender's attention. Then she started and looked at her again as she realized the face was familiar.

"_JJ?"_ she exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"

JJ looked at her with wide eyes, but then turned her gaze away as the bartender handed her a drink. She took the drink and downed it, then put the glass back on the table.

"Emily," she acknowledged. "I, uh, could say the same for you."

Emily's cheeks flushed as she realized that now they were both going to have to explain themselves, which would probably lead to a very awkward conversation. Taking her drink off Kelly, she led JJ to a table where they sat down, and Emily followed in JJ's footsteps by also downing her drink.

"Who was the woman?" asked JJ.

_Someone who would never match up to you, JJ._

"Oh, no one important," Emily dismissed.

"Apparently important enough to make out with."

The statement wasn't laced with jealousy, more like JJ was teasing her. Emily diverted her eyes, unable to make direct contact with JJ.

"I had to find out for sure," she admitted.

"Then you might be...?"

"Yeah."

"Oh..."

JJ took a breath as though she was about to say something, then let it out slowly. Her fingers drummed the table with nervousness and her features were glazed with sadness and confusion. She also kept glancing towards the exit.

"Will would kill me if he knew where I was," she said, "but for some reason I couldn't help myself."

"You had to find out too," Emily offered.

JJ nodded. Then a tear rolled down her cheek.

"I can't stand that I'm doing this to him and Henry," she choked. "I'm supposed to love him, Em, and I do, but at the same time I keep thinking about that night, and I keep thinking how a lifetime with you would be so much better. But I can't do this to my family, so there's no way I am able to feel that way about you. I'm straight and I love him."

By the tone of the last statement, it wasn't directed at Emily; more like JJ was trying to convince herself because she wasn't ready to admit the truth. Still, it felt like daggers in her chest as Emily listened to JJ say she couldn't be with her that way. Maybe one day, she thought, and then mentally slapped herself for such a selfish thought. She should have been happy that JJ was that dedicated to Will, but in the pit of her stomach she saw Will as an obstacle in the way of true love.

Of course she wasn't going to push JJ. After all it was still taking herself some time to come to terms with everything. She figured that it was easier for herself to admit it than JJ because she didn't have the complication of already having a family.

"You should do what makes you happy," she said. "If you lie to yourself then you're going to spend the rest of your life knowing that you settled for less. So if you really and truly love Will, then go back to him and forget that anything with me ever happened. If not..."

She had no idea how she was supposed to advise JJ to break up her family, so she left the statement hanging. JJ wiped away her tears and stood up.

"Let's go," she said, and the two of them left the gay bar having discovered far more about themselves in the short amount of time they'd been there.

_(JJ'S POV)_

JJ stumbled back into her house at two in the morning, desperately hoping that Will hadn't stayed up to wait for her. She didn't want to kiss him with her alcohol-flavoured lips, nor did she want him to see the slight sway in her step as her head spun with dizziness. She quietly opened the door to Henry's room so that she could see his sleeping form in his bed. It took all her willpower not to start crying again because his innocent life might be about to change drastically.

Moving to where his bed was, she placed a peck on his forehead, then left his room and entered her own. Upon her arrival, she saw Will's bedside lamp was on, and he rolled over in bed so that he was facing her.

"Hey," he greeted her. "I missed you."

"I missed you too," JJ replied, not looking at him but instead going into the bathroom to brush her teeth. The words sounded automatic, like she was programmed to have to say them, but there was something lacking in her voice – it was monotone, not really meaning the words.

"You're late. Was the flight delayed?"

She sighed as her heart was stabbed with guilt. "Something like that," she murmured through the toothpaste in her mouth.

Ten minutes later, she got into bed and he wrapped his arm around her. She turned so that she was facing away from him, a tear leaking through her eyelids and making its way into her pillow.

_I'm so sorry,_ she thought miserably.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Thank you to all my lovely reviewers! Your feedback is much appreciated. Also, in this chapter I have decided to add in some Morgan/Garcia/Reid light humour (later in the chapter though, got to get through some Em/JJ angst first) so I hope you enjoy it!**

**On with the story!**

**Chapter 8**

_(Emily's POV)_

Emily and JJ were the only ones who knew of the conversation that had happened between them last night. However, working in a building full of profilers meant it wouldn't be long before the rest of the team sensed the tension between them. As Emily walked into work that morning, she kept things cool and professional, her mask tightly in place and secured with bolts so that no one might see the cocktail of emotions underneath.

If and when she needed to speak to JJ about something work related, she kept things entirely formal, and so did JJ. When they spoke, they were just a little too stiff, too distant, as they fought to keep their personal difficulties aside from their work. At first, it worked. They only spoke when necessary and otherwise kept out of each other's way. But eventually, the team began to notice.

There was no banter between them, no joking with each other like they used to. If one of them made a comment at Emily in front of the entire team, JJ would be the only one who didn't laugh in response, and vice versa. They never stood too near each other and absolutely did not make eye contact.

It was barely lunch time before one of the team decided to approach them about it. Emily had just stood up from her desk and was heading towards the lift when she was caught up with by Reid.

"Hey boy-genius," she said brightly.

"Hey," he replied. "Uh, I was wondering...are things okay between you and JJ? You were acting a little off..."

"Oh, uh – yeah, things are fine. We – we're not acting off," Emily quickly covered.

_Damn, _she thought guiltily. She knew that right now she didn't want the team finding out what would happen. When she asked herself why, the answer that came to her was that she didn't want them to judge her, but more importantly because it meant they would judge JJ. She didn't want them to look at her and think that their best friend, a good-hearted, honest, married woman, had cheated on her husband with Emily and that was why things were now so difficult between them.

They would also have a massive hernia towards her for allowing her best friend to do something like that.

She sighed and walked with Reid into a nearby take-out. She envied the obliviousness of the rest of the team. For them, things were still completely normal and ordinary. For Emily and JJ, life was anything but ordinary at the moment. They had both been thrown into a cyclone of confusing emotions and didn't know how to handle their situation. It was like being pushed out of a helicopter and being told to fly – and both of them were falling, hard and fast – and they didn't know if they were going to survive.

_(JJ's POV)_

JJ found herself in Garcia's office taking refuge from the media. One thing she liked about it was that it was hidden away from the rest of the world, and the media certainly wasn't the only thing from which she was hiding.

"What would you do," asked JJ, "if you had everything in life, and yet somewhere deep down you were still questioning if things could be better?"

Garcia whirled round in her computer chair, her arms folded across her chest. She looked at JJ, confused.

"Sweetness, you have a husband, a kid and a career. What could you possibly not be happy about?"

JJ sat down and gazed at the floor. By definition, she should be the happiest woman on the planet. She'd succeeded in all areas of life – family, friends, career and relationships – and yet she still felt like there was something missing. Which meant that maybe there was one area in which she hadn't succeeded after all.

It most certainly wasn't her career which was the problem. Being a media liaison wasn't what she would call 'fun' but it always left her with a sense of fulfilment at the end of each and every day. It wasn't her friends either. She couldn't imagine giving up her BAU team for anything else in the world.

That left family. She had both a husband and a child, both whom she loved with all her heart – or so she told herself. Lately she'd been finding it difficult to come home. It felt wrong somehow that Will was the one waiting for her to return each night, and waited for her while she was away on cases. Then there was the whole Emily problem. She'd kissed her that night without even thinking about it, as though it had been exactly the right thing to do at the time, and even when she looked back on it knowing what she'd done to her husband, she knew she didn't regret it.

She adored Henry. He was the reason why she was able to walk through the door each night, so that she could see him and tuck him into bed, and kiss him goodnight. On top of that he gave her something to fight for: With each unsub she threw in jail, it was one less bad guy out to get him. Henry was everything to her and she would put his happiness above everything else in the world.

"Is this about Emily?" asked Garcia. "The two of you don't seem to be rainbows and smiles today."

JJ shook her head even though she knew full well it was exactly about Emily.

"Don't worry about it," she murmured. "It was a stupid question."

_(No POV)_

"Well, Emily definitely wasn't coming out with it," said Reid to Morgan, drumming his fingers on his desk. "She just went all defensive and insisted nothing was wrong.

"Pretty much the same with JJ," Garcia said from the computer link to her office.

"So what now?"

"We could place a bet," Morgan suggested.

"Thirty bucks says it's something completely superficial," said Reid. "Statistically the odds of two best friends -"

"My bet," said Morgan, interrupting Reid's statistics, "is that one of them has done something absolutely scandalous. Sixty bucks that it was Emily's fault."

"I think I'm with Reid," said Garcia. "Fifty bucks that it's superficial and that it'll be over by Friday."

"What happens if none of us are right?"

"Then...all the money goes to charity," Reid suggested.

"No way," said Morgan. "If we're all wrong, we all have to spend that amount of money buying Emily and JJ drinks."

"Now _that's_ more like a real bet, sugarplum," Garcia agreed. Reid just looked perplexed.

"But..._that's one hundred and forty bucks!" _he stammered.

Morgan looked at him, dumfounded. "Reid, were you born in Vegas or weren't you? It's far more fun to play with real money."

Reid sighed and relented. "So, that's one hundred and forty split between the two of them?"

"No, sweetness," said Garcia with a wicked grin on her face. "One hundred and forty bucks _each."_


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: I'm so glad everyone liked the bet in the last chapter, it was nice to have something a bit lighter than all the angst. Anyway, thanks to everyone who reviewed, now it's time to get angsty once again. On with the story!**

**Chapter 9**

_(JJ's POV)_

JJ ate her dinner in silence, as did Will. Her shoulders hunched forward slightly, her blonde hair slightly covering her face and falling in waves down the back of her blue jumper. She didn't feel all that hungry but thought that she could at least oblige him so she picked at her plate of food, her mind in a distant place. Will gazed at her, both lovingly and worriedly, his soft eyes trying in vain to work out what was going on in his wife's mind. But JJ's doors were temporarily sealed off as she battled internally between her heart and mind.

She sighed and put her fork down. She normally enjoyed his food but for some reason she couldn't seem to stomach the spaghetti carbonara he'd whipped up for her: it made her stomach churn. Tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear, she stood up and took the plate into the kitchen, her movements sluggish and slow as she was barely aware of her surroundings.

Afterwards she hit the shower, turning up the temperature so that it didn't quite scald her skin but washed over her and caused her body to tingle. The hot water slightly alleviated but by no means eliminated the tumultuous emotions she was experiencing. Scrubbing herself down with soap and a flannel, she wondered why she had to be the one stuck in this complex situation. All her romantic drama should have been in the past now that she was settled down with Will and Henry, but it seemed now that she was in a greater crisis than she'd ever been in her life.

She finally crashed into bed and rolled over to the edge, once again facing away from Will. Automatically his arm wrapped around her, though she wished he wouldn't do that. For some reason it didn't feel comforting or safe, as she thought embraces should be, but more like there was an extra weight lying on top of her. She wished he would move so that she could have her personal space back and then asked herself why she needed to keep her personal space from the one person she should be closer to than anyone else in the world.

"Jayje?' said Will, sleepily.

"Mmm?"

"Are you okay? You seem distant lately."

"I'm fine," she mumbled, not bothering to muster up the energy for a proper response. It had been a long day, trying to keep her distance from Emily, and she really wasn't up for talking.

"JJ, is it me? Did I do something wrong?"

JJ turned around in bed, her heart breaking into tiny pieces. Looking at Will she saw his eyes pleading with her for some kind of answer that would justify her recent behaviour, but she knew in a heartbeat that she wouldn't be able to give it to him, not by a long shot. She sighed and shook her head.

"Will, you didn't do anything wrong. You've been perfect to me."

The tragic thing was, he _had_ been perfect to her, and she felt sick at the thought that she hadn't been perfect to him. She rolled back round again, closing her eyes and trying to get rid of the guilty feeling that had welled up in her chest.

"If I've been perfect then why aren't you happy anymore?" he murmured.

JJ didn't respond. She'd already fallen asleep.

_(Emily's POV)_

Friday had come and gone, and the tension still remained unresolved, meaning Garcia was out of the bet.

No one could stand to see Emily looking so broody. Her usual friendly and witty, albeit slightly private, personality had been replaced with a permanent frown and more frequent snarky responses to their prying questions. Her distinctive laugh had not been heard down the corridors of the BAU for several days now, and the rest of the profilers were beginning to get worried. They didn't have a clue what was going on, only that it involved JJ, seeing how the media liaison was also acting weird, especially around Emily.

In fact it wasn't any of the three betting profilers that managed to get it out of her. As the leader of the team, in the end it came down to Hotch to confront her about it, seeing how it was affecting her work and the dynamic of the team, which could potentially lead to problems dealing with cases.

When Emily was called into his office, she could already predict exactly what he wanted to speak to her about. She knew for herself that she hadn't been particularly great on the compartmentalization front, and had picked up that the others were concerned for her. Really, it was a matter of time before they asked her what was wrong – though that didn't make the prospect of telling them any less terrifying.

"Prentiss, whatever's going on between you and JJ needs to be kept away from the office," Hotch stated in a firm but soft tone.

Emily let out the breath she didn't know she was holding.

"I'm sorry," she replied monotonously. "I know I haven't been great this week."

"Would you like to talk about it?"

She shrugged. Truth be told, she was dying to tell someone, if it was simply to offload some of the world of emotional baggage she was carrying. At the same time, she did not know if she was ready.

"Things are a bit complicated between us at the moment," she offered – a vague, but true statement. "We're not fighting, I guess, I mean it isn't really an argument that you can take sides on, more like we're in an uncomfortable position right now. Hopefully it will resolve soon, but I have a lot of stuff I need to think about and it's kind of taking its toll."

She had probably confused Hotch more rather than explaining the situation but it was the best she could manage for the time being. It meant that nothing was revealed that he could judge her (or JJ) for.

"I see," he replied. "I hope things work out between you two."

She stared into her hands. "I hope so too."

**A/N: Sorry it was short, I guess I had a bit of writer's block, meaning this chapter was kind of annoying to write! Hopefully something will inspire me soon and the next chapter will be better. Please review!**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Thanks to all my lovely reviewers! After the last short chapter, I decided to beg for your forgiveness by updating with a lovely, long one. Hope you guys like it! Please review!**

**Chapter 10**

_(JJ's POV)_

If anyone walked in on her they would think she was reviewing case notes, though the most recent file actually sat at the bottom of a pile of papers that she'd printed after spending the early hours of the morning surfing the internet.

The likes of Google would have been far beneath a tech expert like Garcia, but a search engine was exactly what she needed right now. She silently thanked God that technology was advanced enough that InPrivate browsing existed, meaning that no one would be able to trace what websites she'd been on. Sitting back in her chair, she felt a wave of butterflies in her stomach as she summoned up the courage to read.

_Coming out in later life – Dealing with Marriage and Children._

That was just one title of the many sexuality-related pamphlets she'd printed. In the stack were various other marriage-related ones and a few PFLAG pamphlets. There was also a stack of strict Christian ones that talked about how these feelings weren't who she was, but how she had been misguided and that God was willing to help her overcome these feelings and get back on track.

Somehow, though she dearly wanted to, she couldn't quite bring herself to believe the Christian ones.

The feelings she felt for Emily, though confusing and out of bounds, didn't feel at all misguided. Instead it felt natural and warm, like she was floating on air whenever she thought about the brunette agent. The only misguided feelings seemed to be coming from the lack of spark in her marriage. She and Will could easily be two roommates living together, rather than spouses. On the other hand, everything had just seemed to fall into place when she'd kissed Emily.

There was a knock. JJ quickly shoved the pamphlet underneath the case file.

"JJ," Hotch greeted as she hurriedly rearranged the contents of her desk. "I came to ask if there were any new cases. It's unusual that we have this long on paperwork and we're beginning to run dry."

"Yeah – don't worry, I was just working on that. In fact, I got a phone call this morning."

She picked up another file, stood up and handed it to him. "Conference room in five," she added, then walked out ahead of him.

_(Hotch's POV)_

Hotch raised an eyebrow at her as she left. She'd seemed flustered when he'd entered, as though there was something she didn't want him to know about. Confused, he didn't leave after her, but walked into her office and looked at what was on her desk. The case file from Seattle was there, but underneath it was a whole stack of things that didn't look like they were related to the BAU at all.

He knew it was a bad thing to snoop through other people's personal belongings, but JJ and Emily had been acting weirdly long enough now, and if this had something to do with it then it was about time he found out. Lifting the case file he sifted through the contents underneath. His jaw dropped when he read the first title.

Then he suddenly felt very bad for what he'd done. Quickly grabbing the topmost pamphlet, but leaving all the rest there, he dropped the case file back down and quickly exited the room. No wonder JJ had wanted her privacy and he now realized he had completely violated her trust. In that moment he decided that he wouldn't tell her what he'd found out. After all, it was her business if she decided to come clean about it.

He wondered that, if that was the case with JJ, then was it the same for Emily too? Did two of his female agents really swing that way? If so, towards each other?

Jeez, no wonder JJ looked so moody these days. If his prediction was correct then things could not be going well in her marriage. Not to mention, her married status would also be frustrating to Emily, which is why Emily had been acting so shifty towards her. And Emily had confessed that they were in an 'uncomfortable position' and that she had 'a lot to think about', but that they weren't exactly fighting.

He closed JJ's door behind him as he left. Down the corridor he could hear the other agents engaged in some form of witty banter. Making his way up to the bullpen, he overheard Morgan, Garcia and Reid in a heated debate.

"Just because I lost, sweetcheeks, doesn't mean you've won," Garcia cooed.

"I'm a damn sight closer to winning than you are, babygirl," Morgan replied.

"But we still don't know what's going on between them," Reid reminded them.

"Ah, Reid," Morgan interrupted. "The longer we don't know what's going on, the more scandalous it's going to be. I still have my money on it being Emily's doing."

Hotch sighed. They were betting, and they completely and utterly did not realize what a serious situation it was going to turn out to be. There they were fooling around betting on Emily and JJ, not realizing the painful and difficult emotions they were going through while money was traded on their personal lives. He felt slightly angry, but then again, if he hadn't found that pamphlet, he would be just as clueless as they were and would have probably found the bet amusing.

Deciding to let it slide, he walked into the bullpen.

"JJ wants us in the conference room," he announced. "We have a case."

The three of them began to stand up.

"Where's Rossi?" Hotch inquired. "And Prentiss?"

"Here," said Rossi, entering the bullpen.

"Emily said she was going to the bathroom. I'll tell her we have a case," said Garcia.

_(Emily's POV)_

Emily had indeed gone to the bathroom, but not so much to use the loo as to stare at her tired reflection in the mirror. Despite priding herself in compartmentalization she knew she couldn't hold it in much longer. JJ's indifference was killing her, especially when she was almost certain the blonde liked her more than she liked Will. Then there was the moral side of her arguing that she shouldn't be getting in the way of her friend's marriage, though to be fair it's not like she was able to control JJ's feelings towards her.

If something didn't happen soon she knew she was going to have to talk to JJ before she got driven insane. In fact she might actually have to credit the blonde with being better at compartmentalization that she was, because JJ was doing a far better job at acting like everything was normal – not that the team didn't notice anyway, but they still at least lived in the oblivious bubble that JJ and Will were in a happy and fulfilling marriage. Of the two of them, Emily was the one who had been getting odd, concerned looks from the rest of the team and had even been confronted by Hotch. No one had said a word to JJ.

She wished they would. It would mean they thought something was up with her too, which would make it more likely that it wasn't all in Emily's imagination.

Blowing out a sharp breath of air, she straightened her shoulders and walked back into the bullpen. She'd been in there long enough and people might start to think she had the runs or something if she remained any longer.

"New case," said Garcia and Emily noted that everyone else had already left. She nodded and followed Garcia into the conference room where JJ had just finished setting up.

Emily loved when JJ was doing her job because she looked so much like she belonged there. Although it wasn't a happy or fun job, she could tell it was fulfilling for JJ by the way her eyes sparkled as she threw herself into her work, communicating with the media, holding off the press, delivering press conferences, and describing the new cases.

The last part was probably the hardest for JJ, and the one part where her eyes did not so much sparkle as cloud over with grief. Of course she always put on a poker face, but since Emily knew her so well she could see the deep sadness in her blue eyes as she knew that for every case taken by the BAU, there were at least five more equally as awful that she'd had no choice but to reject.

"Five brunettes, mid-thirties to mid-forties, all strangled," she announced.

In that single moment her eyes met with Emily's and it was as if there was suddenly an overwhelm of mental and emotional communication between them. That second, JJ's features became fearful as the victimology fit Emily to a tee. This fear was mixed with acknowledgement that she cared far more about Emily than she should; that she would have been much more objective if the victimology had fit anyone else in the team, but because it was Emily it was difficult for her to remain focused. Her hands clenched into fists as she took a deep breath to try and continue, but she swallowed and didn't say anything.

Emily saw all this, and communicated her own love of the younger woman, as well as a desire for her to just admit that they needed to talk again. Her brown eyes pleaded with JJ's that this was all getting too much for both of them, and that they needed to clear the air and find out where they really stood with each other, because if they didn't, their friendship might be stilted forever.

The other agents watched JJ expectantly. The blonde seemed to be in her own world, not appearing to notice the ominous silence growing in the room. Then her hands started trembling and she pushed past the other agents, walking out of the room, her long hair hiding her anguished features.

_(JJ's POV)_

Seeing all of those dead brunettes, and knowing that Emily could have so easily been any of those women, was finally too much for her to bear. She power walked to the nearest bathroom and locked herself in a cubicle, before breaking down into tears.

While she cried, it crossed the back of her mind that the rest of the team was bound to ask questions, but right now she was simply beyond caring. She couldn't take it anymore. All she wanted was to be with Emily and protect her from the rest of the world without everyone else judging her for her decisions. The fact that she'd remained with Will for this long – well, frankly it was because she knew what people would say if she broke up with him. _She_ would be the one in the wrong, even though breaking up with him wasn't the wrong thing to do seeing how it was better than a dishonest marriage. Then there would be the ones who would say "What about Henry? Did you even think about your son?"

Of course she thought about him, in fact that was the only other reason why she'd remained with Will for such a long time. Henry deserved to have his father in his life, but if it meant JJ sacrificing her happiness, was it worth it so that Henry could have the normal family life?

For all her logic and reasoning behind staying with Will, none of it seemed worth it anymore. Not when Emily was around to captivate her like a siren captivating a sailor, luring her in with those beautiful, dark brown eyes and mysterious, enticing personality.

"Jayje?"

The voice outside the cubical door was Emily's. Wiping her tears, JJ slowly unlocked the door, opened it a crack and took a deep, shuddering breath.

"I can't take it anymore," she finally admitted before the tears started to stream again. "I can't – I can't be without you anymore."

Emily's hand gently caressed JJ's face, wiping away the tears and then cupping her chin.

"Are you sure?" she asked, because she had to know for certain that JJ wasn't going to change her mind in an instant and go back to Will again.

JJ nodded. "I'm sure. I'm surer of this than anything else in the world. I'm going to tell Will – after the case, that is."

Emily nodded.

"What about the team? What do we tell them?" JJ asked in a moment of frenzy.

"Nothing for now," Emily advised. "They don't need to know anything just yet. Speak to Will, and we'll deal with everybody else later. Okay?"

This time it was JJ's turn to nod.

"We'd better go. The rest of the team will be starting to wonder," she said, reworking her poker face, albeit not as well as before. Her eyes were rimmed with red and her make-up was slightly runny, but nevertheless she held herself with grace as she exited the bathroom, Emily following behind.

_(Emily's POV)_

Emily's stomach was doing back flips and she felt giddy with excitement, but she would have to save it for another day. The team were depending on them in this latest case and it would do them no good to act like lovesick teenagers instead of professionals.

Perhaps they would share a hotel room. Perhaps then they could talk...amongst other things.

_(JJ's POV)_

The two women re-entered the conference room, getting concerned gazes from the rest of the profilers.

"You guys okay?" asked Morgan, but JJ shot him a look and he quickly shut up. She was in no mood for awkward questions and explanations. There were a million things she needed to think about, but for the moment she had to put them to the back of her mind and concentrate on her work.

"Back to the case," she said, her voice flat. She picked up the file and scanned the contents. Five brunette women, between the ages of 35 and 45. They were all married with children and had all been strangled.

She couldn't help but let out a tiny sigh of relief at the 'married with kids' part. That piece of information meant that Emily didn't fit the victimology after all, and therefore she didn't have to worry about her colleague and love interest being in danger from this particular unsub. Slightly more at ease, she went on to describe the case. It looked as though they would be making a trip to Chicago.

As the team stood up and collected their go-bags, she noticed that Hotch was watching her with a frown on his face, and wondered if it was possible that he knew something.

**A/N: I have updated this chapter rather than adding a new one, because originally the last part was going to be part of the next chapter, but then I decided it was better off at the end of this one. Now, I'm going to need some serious help from you guys because I'm really bad at case fics. I sort of know how the case going to go, but I need to figure out how to make it entwine with the Em-JJ love story, so any ideas would be greatly welcomed. Also, I apologize that my updates are slow at the moment: This is because I have exam revision to do. Please review!**


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